Sent, but not printed.

April 14, 1999

Richmond Times-Dispatch
P.O. Box 85333
Richmond, VA 23293
Attn: Editor of Editorial Page

Dear Sir,

I trust this missive finds you well. I have been keeping track of the news lately and cannot help but notice the plethora of cases in which people have decided they are victims because of something someone else has done or made. I thought it might prove interesting to follow such a victim through a normal day in our Amerika.

First our victim awakens in the morning and proceeds to take a shower. Upon turning on the hot water it scalds him as it is too hot. Thus he determines to sue the manufacturer of the water heater for making a product that creates a dangerous situation. there was no warning label in the shower stall warning him this might happen.

Now having finished his shower he moves to the sink to brush his teeth and shave. Of course he discovers scratches on the enamel of his teeth and realizes that he can make much money by suing the tooth brush maker. While shaving he cuts himself which is not only painful and messy, but causes much mental distress as people ask about the Band-Aid on his face. His course of action is obvious.

Now to the kitchen and breakfast. While halving a grapefruit he cuts his finger with the knife. As there was no warning label on the knife advising him of the danger involved he makes note of the manufacturer and will have his lawyer get in touch. He butters his toast and begins to realize that his elevated cholesterol count can be tracked back to the consumption of just such fatty foods. His survival of any resulting heart attack will surely be followed by a lawsuit against Dairy Farmers, et. al.

As he heads to his driveway and the American made auto that awaits him he notices that there is no State Trooper awaiting him to warn him to wear his seatbelt. After all, State Troopers are for your protection, aren’t they? He determines to contact his lawyer about this oversight.

Our victim has not yet left his driveway and yet, as you can plainly see, he can rest easy in the knowledge that he will soon be a very wealthy man indeed. Not only that, but he will have the satisfaction of knowing that he has helped to make Amerika a safer place for all it’s victims.

God Bless Amerika!

Sic Semper Tyrannis

Cautiously yours,